Contact Resources Consulting Services Home


(Link to this page)

Keeping the Sparks Alive:
Sexual Tips for the Man

by Stanley Ducharme, Ph.D.

Finding ways to keep the sparks alive in a relationship is critical in any relationship. Taking each other for granted can gradually occur in the best of relationships. Without finding ways to keep things spontaneous, a relationship and your sexual life can easily become dull. When left unattended, it can eventually become non-existent.

Over my 30 years of working on relationship issues and on sexual difficulties presented by couples, a few points seem to keep coming up time after time. These are not rocket science but it is the small things that often make the difference between a good relationship and an unhealthy relationship. In this brief article, I'd like to share some of the things that a guy can do in order to spice things up.

Sexual desire is different for both men and women. For a man, having sex usually makes him feel emotionally close to his partner. For a woman, it is the opposite. Feeling close to the man, makes her want to be sexually intimate with him. For her, emotional closeness and sexuality go hand and hand. To keep the spice in a relationship, a guy needs to be able to share his feelings, be open with his partner and make sure that the emotional connection is strong.

Always working on your level of communication is one important way to strengthen that connection between the two of you. Talk about your feelings, about problems and about the stresses that the two of you are facing. Relationship problems require the couple to discuss issues that may be awkward and uncomfortable. When the issue is sexually related, the ability to discuss your feelings is probably the most difficult but also the most important thing to do. This ability to talk about sex is what separates the men from the boys.

Each day, try to spend some time together without the TV or radio on. As I have mentioned in past articles, being honest and genuine about your feelings is impossible while watching television. When your partner has something to share, don't leave the room or cut off what she has to say. There are two aspects of communication: listening and talking. Listening is as important as talking. Sometimes, it is more important than what you have to say. At all cost, avoid becoming defensive!

Don't get lazy in areas that affect your sexual life. For example, don't get lazy about your appearance, hygiene and preparations for sex. Be attentive, make her feel special and verbalize your feelings for her. In bed, it's important not to be lazy also. Take things slow and remember that most women like to be cuddled, held and touched. Sex is not all about intercourse. Take your attention off your own genitals and focus on your partner's body. Worrying about the quality of an erection can be selfish and a turn off for most women. Many women couldn't care less about the hardness of the man's erection!

In a similar way, smoking or drinking too much can be a real turn off for many women. While a glass of wine may help to add romance to an evening, carrying things too far will have a negative impact on the sexual experience for both of you. No one would want to make love with a sloppy partner who is intoxicated. Keep an eye on your tobacco and alcohol use and keep it in control.

A woman's sexual desire is greatly affected by issues such as her stress level, health and fatigue. While it can be difficult to find enough time to sleep, getting enough sleep will greatly enhance all aspects of life, especially your sexual life. Often women have gotten so busy with kids, work, and helping a man with an SCI, that there is little energy for anything else. The more that the man can help reduce this level of stress, the better their sexual life will be. Even if it is only making small efforts, the consideration and caring attitude will mean a lot to most women.

For women, there are two types of orgasm: a vaginal orgasm and a clitoral orgasm. The majority of women do not have an orgasm during sexual intercourse. They have an orgasm when there is stimulation of the clitoris and often this does not occur during the act of intercourse. Direct stimulation of the clitoris is usually the surest way to help her achieve an orgasm. The best time for this may be before intercourse. Also, every sexual encounter doesn't have to include intercourse. Ask her what feels good and what you can do to help her get more pleasure.

Also, a woman's capacity for orgasm is not the same as it is for a man. It will vary from day to day, depending on what is going on in her personal life, her relationship and her level of stress. Your technique is not going to work every time. Make changes in your technique and push yourself to move beyond the same old routine. Get in touch with your deeper desires and fantasies. Find a way to add some excitement. Take a risk by trying something new and boosting your sexual potential as a couple. Share a fantasy! Force yourself out of the routine.

As women age, it is not uncommon for them to need more time and stimulation to reach an orgasm. This means more foreplay. Don't rush the foreplay and make it a priority. Give some thought and talk to her about something new such as using a vibrator for both of you. If she needs a vibrator to reach an orgasm, she's probably in the majority and it is not a reflection on you.

Accepting that orgasm may not always happen for her is another important fact. Sometimes, it is just not going to happen. It doesn't mean that she's not enjoying the intimacy of the moment. It's just one big way that men and women are different sexually. Too much attention on either erection or orgasm will ultimately take away from the quality of your sexual life as a couple. Just accept whatever happens without making it a big deal.

Most women need time to transition from Mom or "personal care provider" to lover. Men, on the other hand, may get turned on from simply looking at the woman or from a quick sexual fantasy. Give her time to make that transition by spending a little time sharing and talking before foreplay. If you can, try to give her a massage or touch her in a caring way. Try not to have your sexual life on a schedule. Often, taking things slowly will help to improve the quality of what's to come.

In conclusion, don't take your sexual life for granted and put some effort into trying new things. Work on that emotional connection by sharing your feelings and opening up. Even if this doesn't come natural, try to push yourself to talk about personal matters and about your relationship.

Put some effort into the preparations for sex even before you start to get intimate. Your cleanliness, hygiene and appearance are critical issues to a good sexual life. Don't take these for granted and remember that appearance and good hygiene are as important for her as they are for you. In fact, they may be more important.

Finally when being intimate, push yourself out of the comfort zone by trying something new and spicing things up. A new position, a sex toy or a new technique will break the routine that can settle in after many years of being together. Keeping your sexual life exciting and fun doesn't happen by itself. It requires some attention and thought. Adding some spice to your sexual life shouldn't be work however. This is one part of your life that hopefully can be enjoyable for both of you.

(Link to this page)

Back to Articles

| Home | Services | Consulting | Resources
| Directions

Web design by flyte new media
email Web Master